1 Week to Go

1 week to go till I leave for NZ.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time. My first trip out of the country - and I picked a long ass one to go on.

I've spent a good part of this evening rearranging my return flight. When I originally booked (in my drunken stupor) it didn't dawn on me that on my departure I would be technically arriving there 2 days later (given the date/time diff). I figured it out and thought about extending my trip for 2 days so I could have a full week actually there...but sat on it for a bit. Didn't know what I would be doing once I got there. Figured I would tool around Wellington while NZ worked and maybe we'd do a day trip here or there. Didn't figure I'd leave the city all that much. So wasn't sure if I needed extra days for that.

When NZ emailed me her thoughts about what all that we could do while I was there - and it included going all these places around the country - well that settled it. We needed those days to do that so I extended my trip.

Doing that wasn't as easy as I thought. On Orbitz, you can change your departure trip online, but not your return. I don't know why this is, it makes no sense. It's the same trip in reverse. So I had to sit on hold forever, then talk to someone and tell them what I wanted to do, and sit on hold forever for him to figure out what it would cost me.

The fare difference was neglible. What added up were all the change fees. Fuckin airlines and their "change" fees. They aren't doing any more work - but I get dinged for changing my mind. I hate airlines. The whole lot of them (ok...not you Southwest...kisses). Major domestic carriers can bite me.

United can bite it the hardest. I hate that airline. B/C I changed my return trip by 2 stupid days I lost my upgraded seat. Sure I could get another one for a "fee"...but I couldnt do it online (b/c even though my upgraded seat is gone...my United itinerary still says I have upgraded seat...but the seat number is not in the upgraded section). I hope they go belly up. I tried to call them to do it and had to wade through a sea of voice prompts that just felt weird and confusing. What happened to pressing numbers? Moreso, what happened to pressing "0" and actually talking to a live person. United has put up so many barries to get to a live person that you hang up in disgust (which is what I did).

On the other hand, I had to call Qantas to select my seats b/c I couldn't do it online and within 2 numerical prompts I was talking to a live person (who had a very cute accent) who found two aisle seats for me w/in a minute. She was very pleasant to talk to. And for Air New Zealand - I could select my seats online - no human/phone interaction needed - which is how it should be for fucks sake.

Anyway...

So for a few hundred I was able to extend my trip. I was playing tennis w/a friend earlier today and I shared my change idea and I was on the fence b/c of money (its not just the airfare cost, its extra boarding for The Dog and extra kitty care for The Cat & Kitten) and he was like "this isn't a trip you're gonna make every year....fuck it...do it...who cares....get a job when you come back and in like 2 days work you've made that extra money back".

He's right. It's one of those things you only do every so often...so do it right.

NZ has a great itinerary planned out - it's gonna be busy - but its all good.

#

In other world traveler news, ACW has been in Japan for a little over a week now. His hosts left on their trip this past weekend so he's on his own now. We've IM'd the last few days here and there. He was quite chatty and affectionate Friday afternoon - which was his Sat nite. Probably had a bit too much sake.

The other day someone was like "do you miss him" and I shrugged. Not really. I guess if he missed me I might feel differently. I remember when TCE went to FL for like a week (we had been dating well over a year, living together at the time). I missed him terribly. Found it hard to fall asleep. Couldnt wait to talk to him. I was like a lovesick little puppy dog. It was kind of pathetic when you think about it.

I've been thinking too much about my own trip to think about him being gone. Like its all I've been thinking about. Reading up on NZ, trying to tie up loose ends. Secure pet care. Passport crap. Anxiety medication. Packing the right stuff. Buying enough reading material. Seeing what the in-flight movies are. Getting my work done before I go so they aren't left hanging.

Sure I have Tokyo time in my CrackBerry travel app and I'll ping him when I see him online but I'm not like "ohmygod I cant wait for you to come back babycakes imissyousomuch!!!" And when I'm on my trip, I won't be online nearly as much so we'll chat less. But I don't see that concerning either one of us.

Eh - enough about him. I have my own world journey to go on shortly.

1 more week.

No News Is....No News

I've had nothing to report as of late. Pretty much in a general summer holding pattern till I start working again....maybe.

#

I chatted on IM w/CCW all nite. He's at our client's all week. Doing support and what not. He's at the hotel we stayed at when we first went there. He needed some entertainment while he was at the bar and since I was online working (um...yeah)....

We have so much fun chatting. When we all met up for dinner 2 weeks ago when the client was in town - I talked to him more than I did my b/f (not that that surprises me one bit).

There are times I smack myself HARD in the head for not making a big huge obvious play for him when I learned he was single last winter. But... seriously...I'm not hot enough for him. I've hung out with his current g/f a few times...and she's a hottie...a drrty hottie. And I've seen pix of previous g/f's - all hotties. I'm not a hottie. Granted - I have a HOT body. I do - and I will admit that in all caps - my body is slammin. But my face - eh - I'm average looking. Not bad - but not "Hot". I would NEVER call my face "hot". Too many weird elements and flaws. He's cute. Mega cute (IMO) so it fits that he dates hotties - girls who are hot from head to toe. Me...I'm hot from neck to toe. So...um...if you just look at my boobs on down - its an awesome sight!

Oh well...it was fun to chat w/him tonite. He will be in NYC all holiday weekend and he's flying his g/f out to spend it with him. I told him that was really nice of him, and I want a b/f that flies me somewhere. He chuckled and said my b/f flies to really expensive places like Japan so maybe thats not an option. I laughed and then he added that I make more than my b/f so I can fly myself places. Touche. This is true. I do make more than ACW - even with not working this month I've grossed way more than he has for 2009. But still - its not the money - it's the gesture. If CCW invited me to spend the weekend in NYC with him - I'd pay my own way - it's the gesture that counts. Something ACW clearly doesnt want to understand.

#

Things with ACW are...well...they are what they are. Not good...not bad. They just "are". I know how bad that sounds. But it is what it is. No sense in putting lipstick on a pig. He's leaving Friday for Japan and I wont see him again till early August. But I leave for NZ on the 20th so who gives a rats ass. We won't talk for a month - probably the only communication will be email - and that will be limited at best. Only b/c I know he won't be online much. He's talked about buying a temporary phone and such - but whatever. He's flying out of his hometown b/c "thats where he thought he'd be living when he booked the ticket months ago". Good to know. I'm annoyed but I'm kinda over it at the same time.

Sure I'm still with him...but I'm kinda like "whatever". If I came across someone in NZ who tickeled my fancy - I would jump on it no questions asked. And yes I would do this and not give a rats ass about how it would make him feel. Do I expect him to be faithful in Japan - I don't know. Probably not. Do I think he will actually meet someone and do something - no. But if he does - he does. Whatever. He's moving anyway when he gets back as soon as he lands a job at "home" so who cares.

I've thought about having the whole conversation about faithfulness on our trips but figured why bother - esp considering I clearly would not hold up my end of that. But I wouldnt hold up my end b/c he's not a good b/f. If he treated me like The Crazy Ex did - theres no way I would jeapordize that. But...he's light years from treating me that well - so who gives a rats ass if I snuggle w/a Kiwi while I'm away (not that I will...I don't anticipate finding guys any easier down there than here....just saying).

I'm sure I'm not painting a pretty pic, but it's not that awful. It just is what it is. I don't like it necessarily - but I accept it for what it is. I'm keeping my eyes out for something else - believe me. The second I saw a different opportunity he'd be yesterdays news. There just...isn't...anything.... Seriously. No one is warming up in the bullpen. Until then...I keep him around to have something to do here and there and someone to do it with. Have sex here and there. Use the "boyfriend" noun. The "we" or "us" pronouns. When he moves it will be b/c I wanted something more than he did (which is true) and I come out on top. I'm not the "bad guy".

#

I've been doin a lot of thinking about if there are any good guys left out there. Based on the guys I know, friends, aquaintences and what not - I have my doubts. Seriously. I know some really shady characters...and even those that aren't - have shady tendencies. Now I've never been one who subscribes to the "true love" theory - or even that human beings are meant to be monogamous (b/c biologically we're not). But some of the stuff I see these friends and what not pull...the way they treat their wives, fiances, girlfriends, friends ...makes me wonder if it's even worth it to try and think about finding a "good guy". I think the "good guy" is an endangered species. You can probably find him on the WWF watch list if you look hard enough.

And sure you can say for every "good guy" out there, theres a "bad girl" who's ruined him for everyone else. I can buy that. Women can be bitches. Mean, evil, bitches. And good guys seem to be drawn to bitchy girls - so it begs that this union is going to end in a lot of people being changed.

I don't know...I guess based on my own experiences over the last few years, and playing spectator to a lot of relationships around me - I feel like a functional, healthy, supportive relationship is an endangered species. I just don't see them surviving and existing in the future. There are too many external sources competing for its attention.

#

I was at a gay BBQ on the lake a week ago w/Indigo Girl and I met a guy who was the spitting image of The Crazy Ex. OMG the resemblance was uncanny. Scary uncanny. Except this guy of course was gay and his b/f had the name of TCE...not him. It weirded me out though b/c it was so close. I told Indigo Girl and she couldnt get over that a) I would date someone that short and b) that skinny. I told the gay dude that he had a like identical resemblance to my ex-fiance and he swore up and down that a) he's never been straight and b) if he was, he wouldn't dump me b/c I could throw a football better than he could.

I'm Leavin...On a Jetplane

I finally did it!!!!!

After..um... 5 years of knowing NZ (online) I'm finally going to visit her!!!

WOW!!!

I talked about doing this alot! I did. Like since I met her. I've been like "yeah my friend in New Zealand...." or like "I have a friend in New Zealand". And I've thought about going. Trust me. I had it in my Orbitz trip fare search for a while - Chicago to Wellington. I thought about going in 2004, 2005, 2006 and so on. Just never did for whatever stupid reason I had.

Ok... my reasons werent stupid. Sure it was $$$. But it was also flying. Oh and claustrophobia and stuff like that. It's a 22 hour flight all the way. Chicago to LA to Auckland to Wellington. Fuckin long time to be flying or in airports. And you know me.

But somethings been biting me recently. Talked about it to useless therapist. Even she thought I should go. Take an adventure. Go away. Do something for ME.

So I am. July 20 - July 28 I will be in New Zealand as a guest of NZ. I don't think she knows what she's getting herself into - mwhahahaha. Actually I don't care what the hell I do. I will just be happy being out of the country somewhere else. Yeah I'm gonna drag her to pubs and make her hang out and talk to boys (yes NZ you've been warned!!!!!!! :-P) We're gonna have an awesome time.

WOW!!!

I can't believe I actually booked the trip. I've had the fare picked out so so so many times before and never clicked "Purchase". But now I did. Why now? Who knows. Maybe it's b/c I have enough $$ in the bank to not work the rest of 2009. Maybe it's b/c ACW will be in Japan the same time. Maybe it's b/c it's been needlng me since I've known her. Maybe it's b/c her ex b/f who I've chatted with at length online told me that me and my "accent" would "clean up" down there".

I don't know. Who gives a fuck!! I booked the ticket. I paid for it. I'm going to New Zealand!!!!!!!!!!

Now I just gotta get my expedited passport in 4 weeks!!!

WOOT

So... Nothings Really Changed Then?

ACW arrived for dinner prompty at 7. I was making grilled mahi-mahi w/grilled asparagus and wanna-be Chipotle-style rice. (and it all turned out excellent)

I had a knot in my stomach pre-arrival. A combination of jitters, anxiety and just not knowing what was gonna happen. I was outside w/the foster dog (who has now peed in every room in my home) when he got here. Let him in the gate, no kiss or hug. But I tried not to read into that much - he could have been as uncertain as I was.

Come upstairs. General conversation. Since I was nervous I started babbling - mostly about the foster dog. He knew I had one b/c of my FB status'. I had no idea he even noticed my status'. I babbled for quite a bit. Rambling. He was also trying. Asking questions. More engaged.

Continue cooking dinner. Drinking the wine he brought on the deck while grilling everything. I'm still non-stop conversationalist. I guess I was trying to avoid any awkward silences. He was talking to. We both seemed anxious - which was kinda nice to see from him. He talked work stuff. He mentioned something about looking for new work when he got back from Japan and how he was keeping his current gig as a safety net until then. I filed that away for later. Foster dog then decides to pee on the sisal rug in the dining room so I had to take care of that while he finsihed grilling.

We had dinner. It was good. Maybe I can cook.

We finished eating. He's looking at me. Fixed on me. And I stopped rambling. "What?" He shakes his head "Nothing" but continues looking at me. I'm like "c'mon....what?" He looks down and says "I'm sorry about the other nite....I was an asshole...I treated you very unfairly and ...I'm just sorry....it was uncalled for".

I nod. I tell him I was sorry for the passive aggressive comment. I told him I was just confused. He told me he was staying at [company name] and then followed it right up with he's going to Japan for a month. I latched onto him leaving instead of staying. And I was happy to learn he was staying. And I honestly just wanted something from him. An invite to visit even though I probably wouldn't go. Or something like how he'll miss me. I didn't express myself well. I just shut down and then it came out of me later. I told him I'm not unhappy with him. I've just been unhappy with the situation of him leaving hanging over head. He's listening. He nods and says "I know...but I was an asshole and you didn't deserve it".

I nod. "It was....it was out of left field." He nods. "Where did it come from?" He shakes his head. "I dunno... I'm upset about a few things...thought I would be gone from Chicago by now...other stuff...nothing involving you....but I took it out on you...and I'm sorry".

Gone from Chicago. I put this with the looking for work thing when he comes back from Japan and I figure whats the arm in asking "So you're still planning on leaving Chicago?" He nods.

WTF?

I'm like "huh? you are?" "Yes". I'm confused now. "Then what was with all the 'I'm staying with [company name] and 'now that I'm staying in Chicago' the other night?"

He's like "Well I am staying...till I get back from Japan...then I'm going to come back here and start looking for work in St. Louis...I've always intended to go...my original plan was to leave before I went to Japan...my lease was up at the end of May...but stuff happened and...theres us and...well...I'm still here. So I went month-to-month on my lease. I'm sticking around [company name] for now b/c I got scared last week and wanted to make sure I had income when I got back from Japan. I didn't want to be looking for work at home from overseas. So when I get back from Japan I'm gonna work at [company name] but look for work in St. Louis. Once I find something down there...I'll move."

So...he's still moving. I'm like WTF? Gee you know that information would have been a lot more useful to me Saturday!!!

So I ask "if you're still moving...which was your original intention all along...why not say so Saturday when you said you were staying at [company name]...why did you stop after telling me you were staying there....that honestly sounded like you were staying in Chicago...seriously...and then during the talk at the end of the night....you kept saying 'now that I'm staying'...what the fuck ACW... you know had I known you were still moving...the last few days would have been very different for me....this is something I should have known Saturday....why present yourself like that then...and then this way now?"

He looks at me...then away. "I'm sorry...I don't know...I just...so much going on in my head right now...not thinking clearly....I was frustrated...angry...confused" and he trails off.

We sit in silence for a bit.

Well..now I don't have to tell him all that stuff I wrote down about how I'm happy he's staying and how I want it to be a fresh start. Recycle that paper.

I ask "why are you moving ACW...really?" He says he wants to be closer to his family and he's just felt its where he needs to be for a while. He cares about me a lot but he just feels this is something he needs to do. He doesn't expect to be there long though. A year or two maybe. Not sure after that. But he just feels its the right time to go back.

So I ask..."then why don't we try long-distance for a bit...see how it goes.. I'll come down on a regular basis...try it out..." He shakes his head... "I havent shared much about my ex...but we did long distance for a while during our relationship...and it just was bad...it didn't work". I said "I'm not your ex...just b/c it didn't work with one person doesn't mean it won't work with someone else...I'm a different person". He nods but adds "Snoopy...it's just so hard when you want to be with someone and see them...and they're not there. I don't know...it's just not worth the aggravation and pain..."

From what little I do recall of him talking about her...she cheated on him...more than once...while they were doing long-distance. So I can understand his reluctance. And I guess my comment the other nite of "what if I'm with someone else while you're gone" probably touched a few deep nerves. Gotta love baggage. But still. I'm a different person.

I nod and I'm quiet. I don't bring up going with him or anything like that. Not the time...and just not worth it. I sit there quietly. Kinda pissed that I was so upset for the last 3 days b/c I thought he was staying and turns out he's not. Kinda upset b/c he's still leaving so nothing really has changed...other than he'll be halfway across the world for the last month or so before he goes. Kinda deflated b/c I'm back where I started. Liking someone who is leaving. But I signed up for that position. No one made me do it. I went in eyes open.

So I ask "what now then...you're still moving...so nothing really has changed then? I went through a lot of pain for the last couple days for nothing??? you couldnt have contacted me before now and cleared this up???" He's looking at me. It's hard to describe this look he gives me but you know it if you've gotten it before. It's caring, kind, intense, but you know there is so much going on behind the eyes...so much stuff...good...bad...he's not saying.

He says "I'm sorry about the other nite and I'm sorry you were in pain. I stayed away b/c....I felt we needed a few days apart....to clear our heads...think about things. I was confused and...there's a lot I'm thinking about...and I just needed to be alone...but I'm sorry for what happened" His eyes are red behind his glasses and he's sniffling. I can't tell if he's allergic to foster dog or if he's getting emotional.

I feel like there's a lot more going on up there than he's communicating. But I don't feel like prying b/c I don't think it would do any good. It's his stuff. My attempts to pry in the past never resulted in anything good anyway. If he's confused about leaving b/c of our relationship then thats something he needs to sort out. There's some conflict he's dealing with.

We're quiet again. I start to think about what I want now. Do I want to end it now or ride it through to the end like I originally intended. I'm unsure. I could end it now. He's going to be gone all of July anyway. I was already in pre-breakup mode from the weekend. Or do I stick around till he goes. I still like him and care for him. There's still some time left. Whats the difference of ending it now or later. Maybe I use the time while he's in Japan to get on some online dating sites again. Dip my toe back in those shallow murky parasite infested waters again.

I've been looking off, down, around while I'm thinking but he hasn't taken his eyes off me. I look at him and ask "So what do we do?" He says "Snoopy...I like you...I like being with you...I care about you alot...I wanna be with you." It's clear that its my call. It's always been my call.

(Totally OT: The Kitten is using foster dogs crate as a jungle gym. It's quite hilarious. Espescially b/c she's so uncoordinated and clumsy. I need video.)

I think about it for a bit. Sip my wine. I want to stick it out. I know thats the way I'm leaning. I consider public-opinion. How upset I've been the last few days. I anticipate the virtual eye rolls when I say we've talked, he's still moving, and I'm gonna date him till he does. I anticipate the comments. I anticipate the "whatevers". I've been in that position when the shoe is on the other foot. Things look different from the outside for sure. I've thought "oh here it goes again" and had my own share of eyerolls. But after that, I try to be the best friend I can and allow people to take their own path and be there to support.

Eventually I said "I want to keep seeing you too. You were moving before and you're moving now. I don't like that you're moving and I don't want you to. But it is what it is." We both smiled and I hugged him and it felt good.

Will I be upset when he does move. Sure. Of course. But it will be different b/c it will be final. Nothing uncertain or left up in the air. Those hurts tend to pass easier.

After we hugged he helped me clean up after dinner. Then he went through the usual process of taking out all his stuff, keys, clip, iphone and putting them on the table. Took off his shoes. I made a comment "oh...getting comfy now" and he sheepishly smiled and said "I didn't know how things would go".

Neither did I.

I ask him why he took off yesterday. The look he gave me was funny. I told him I logged into my work email to see what was up w/the project. He said he just needed a day off. I asked what he did. He said nothing. Stayed in bed all day. Thought. Just needed a day to clear his head. So I asked "so...if you weren't working....why did you wait till 7pm to reply to me?" He looked down and said "avoidance". I raise my eyebrows. He continues that he was in his head all day and was avoiding this situation till ready to face it. I told him "well you know that it sucks to be on the other end of that avoidance...waiting 10 hours to get back to me was a shitty thing to do...it hurt." He nodded.

Avoidance is something we all do. When you're the one doing the avoiding...it makes sense to you. Put something off till you're ready to deal with it. But when you're the one being avoided its frustrating and can hurt.

He stayed over and I actually slept through the nite. So did foster dog (tucked in her crate). Make up sex this morning was quick - but good :-) We walked out together - him going home to change before work, and me pleading and begging foster dog to pee and poo in the parkway.

So...

My takeaways from all of this:

- I'm pleased with my behavior towards ACW. Big big big improvement over anything I ever did w/TCE. Even Saturday when all this went down, I kept my composure and didn't get all dramatic and overly-emotional. Once that happened, I didn't contact repeatedly. I didn't do anything w/respect to him except leave 1 msg when I thought I was ready and even handled the resulting converstation very well. My outward behavior has improved a lot.

- My emotions did get out of check at times. Ruminating. Circular. But I was able to recognize it every time, even if I wasn't able - or didn't want to stop it.

- I talked myself down ledges quicker. Whether it was by just comparing this to TCE or just looking at things from a different perspective. It took time of course....but I didn't get stuck up there like I did in the past.

- I recognized that I can't go through things like this alone. That I do need my friends. Even if its just to listen to me go on and on and on and on while they are at work all day (Thanks NZ!!). While I may be independent and all that and reluctant to rely on people for most things - when this hit I realized I just needed to reach out. It felt lonely at times b/c all but one of the ppl I was reaching out to aren't physically here. Not even remotely. I do realize I need to be better about communicating my need to reach out though. I sent subtle hints to people and hoped they would just "get it" without me having to explicity ask (and feel needy). If I need to talk, I should say that.

- I appreciate the differences in opinon amongst my friend group. Everyone had something different to say/offer. Some things I responded to better than others. But I appreciate the differences in personality amongst my confidantes.

- That even though I was upset, crying, and feeling bad, that I also felt pissed and angry at times too. Thats big. It took me a LONG time to get to pissed and angry during TCE. I didn't make this all my "fault". I didn't feel it was all about "me". And I was mad at ACW. It's progress.

- That its good to get out, do somethng else, have something else to focus on. Yes everyone says that - but sometimes its hard to do. I still took Harry to the dog beach. Went to get coffee here and there. As much of a pain in the ass the foster dog has been the last few days - and trust me - pee all over my condo pisses me off...ask The Dog - it was probably a very good decision to take her in - b/c dealing with her at times completely took my focus off the situation with ACW. My focus would be transferred to dealing with her immediate needs which took it off my crap. If she popped out her pups during this time - I might have forgotten who ACW was. (thankfully she didn't...that would be a lot to deal with).

First Contact

I was walking into my condo meeting after 7 tonite and my phone buzzed w/a txt. I figured it was Indigo Girl telling me where to meet up with her and her g/f for a drink after. ("you need a beer" was the directive I received earlier). Check phone and it's ACW.

"dinner tomorrow sounds fine. ping me tomorrow on IM and we'll figure out details."

Well...it's a response.

Not exactly what I expected (the vehicle not the context). Although I was starting to not expect any response so a response of some form is an improvement over that expectation. Yes it sounds understated - but that's him. "Fine" is the equivalent of "good". "Sure" translates to "great" or "definitely" (yes we've discussed this before).

I txt reply to voice mails frequently (when I get voice mails). I've done it to him. I'm the txt'er - he's the caller. I'm not a big talker on the phone-r but usually when I txt a reply to a VM its b/c I don't want to talk to the person who called me. Don't feel like dealing with an actual conversation...involving words and things like that.

I can see why he'd txt reply. Quick, simple and can't deteriortate to a draining conversation/argument.

I recall during The Crazy Ex period - he would periodically respond to my (many) VMs with emails or IMs. (this was pre-txt). It would bug me at times. He told me he would do it when he didnt feel like getting into a draining emotional dragging conversation on the phone with me. B/C no matter how casual I might sound on the message (and it wasn't often) something would trigger drama - leaving us both spent.

Avoidance theory. I get it. I do it myself (now).

I felt pretty awful about the whole situation earlier this afternoon. Sad about how things seemed to be turning out. Mad about how this silence was affecting me. Pissed b/c I don't deserve to be treated like this. Thought train spinning out of control. Wasn't good.

I then IM'd ABM (who is contracting in ACWs/my old office). I was like "ACW is trying to break up with me and he's being a major league dick about it. WTF is up w/you guys!!!" He saw that as a cry for help (unlike The Writer who was like "so... screw it...find someone new").

ABM knows me. He was there for the entire duration of TCE situation (from the very first dumping IM). I also trust his p.o.v. b/c he's screwed up his own marriage that resulted in divorce. He said some stuff about patience, chilling out, letting people deal with their own crap, controlling yourself and no one else. Brought me back down to earth and I've been pretty chill ever since.

So I guess something will happen tomorrow evening - one way or another. That's good.

We'll See

So I called ACW this morning.

I dont think I've ever called him this early in the morning before (then again I used to see him at work around this time). I was thinking about it since I was up at the crack of dawn for the foster dog. Figured to just get it over with now rather than stress about it all day (now I can stress till he gets back to me). Went to voicemail. He could have ignored my call, been on the subway, been on the bus or who knows. Left a casual message - nice - said I'd like to get together and talk, share some stuff on my mind since I cleared my head.

So we'll see if he gets back to me. If he doesn't - then I know whats up and it will be over. Return the things. Done. Feel like crap. You know the drill.

UPDATE 15 min later:

So I logged into my work email to see what was going on - did the project actually go out, etc... ACW is taking an "unplanned personal day" today so guess he's not on the bus or subway. And he got into work really late yesterday. Out late Sunday nite I suppose?

Now the mind is off and running. Why is he taking today off. Out late last nite and hungover? He's not sick - he would have said that in his email. And if he's home why didn't he pick up? Well the reasons for that can be many. Legit and screwed up.

(big sigh)

Now I'm gonna think about this till he gets back to me - if he does. I HATE feeling like this. Anxious, thoughts ruminating in my head. Why is he off. What's going on. I felt so strong last nite (see below post). Calm, cool, collected. Now I feel like I did on Sunday. Except I can't curl up in bed all day b/c I have a pregnant dog to be paranoid about (she "christened" the new LR rug an hour ago).

Fuck - if you want to break up w/me for real, for good ACW just fucking do it.

No Update

No update on the situation with ACW. No contact in 2 days. I haven't contacted him either. Thought about giving him a call tonite but didnt as I was preoccupied with picking up a foster dog who is a little more than I bargained for.

I was supposed to foster a young submissive male dog. The dog turned out to be a female who is very pregnant. Yeah I didnt sign up for that much responsibility. I took her home with me and will keep her for a few nights until the rescue org can find another home. Then I think I'm getting another dog, who isnt pregnant.

This is what happens when you answer the phone and youre vulnerable and needy.

So back to ACW.

I think I will call him tomorrow. Yeah I know part of me feels like he should be contacting me but I also know how he operates. If theres some kind of issue with us - he pretty much waits for me to give him the signal its ok. Maybe thats not the case this time. Maybe it is.

I plan to call him to see if we can get together Wednesday to maybe have dinner and talk. I've cleared my head and know what I want to say in response to the other nite.

Im going to tell him that yes Ive been unhappy here and there. But its not b/c of "him" its b/c of the situation. The whole thing about him moving. It's cast a cloud over everything - good and bad. It's been just "there" the whole time we've been dating - no matter how much I tried to put it out of my head.

I will go into that in more detail and then say that I havent shared how I feel or been very communicative with him b/c it brings me closer to someone - and given the move - I was scared of opening up and getting closer. There've been times Ive wanted to share stuff with him. Vent. Lean on him. But i've held back - which got me out of sorts at times. I'm sure its been confusing to him - my behavior at times. It's confused me. Which has made me - unhappy.

Then after explaining the overall unhappiness, I will tell him that now he's not moving, I'd like it to be a fresh start. A chance to reconnect w/out any clouds hanging over or big pink elephants in the room. It's a big weight off my shoulders to know that there isnt a "time limit" to our relationship.

Thats the gist of what I want to communicate to him. Then the ball is in his court. I expect there will be some discussion. But if he's serious about not seeing each other anymore - I can't do anything to change that other than telling him what was on my mind and how I feel. If that isn't good enough then I guess it will be over.

I don't know whats going to happen. But I'm going to try and be positive and not project negative feelings or have a glass is half empty attitude. If I go in thinking the worst - it might just end up being a self fullfilling prophecy.

So we'll see.

What Now?

Yesterday ACW told me:
- He's pretty sure he's not moving
- He's going to Japan for a month in July to hang out,
- And that he doesn't think we are working out and isnt sure we should continue to see each other.

It took 12 hours to get all of this information. And the first two pieces of information were delivered in a quite different tone than the last one.

The first two came around noon. We're trying to get a cab to get to the train station to meet CCW to go to the burbs for a BBQ. And he just drops "I think I'm staying at [company name]". I'm like "really?" and he nods. I' don't know what to do with this information. I guess you'd think I'd be estatic and jump up and down - but I just processed it. Like it wasnt really happening. Once we're in the cab he continues that he's asked for a leave of absence for July to he can go to Japan for a month and hang out.

Huh?

This is news to me - though he swears he mentioned it before. He says he knows he mentioned it b/c I was like "I wanna go too!!" I don't remember it - but its possible. He continues that an old couple of friends he knows are leaving their home in Japan for a month to go visit their inlaws so they sent out an email to their old crew that their home would be avail for a month if anyone wants to come and stay. So he jumped on it. And some other friends may too. He's excited.

I'm not so excited. Gone the whole month of July? No invite for me to come for a week (not that I'm sure I would go...that whole being on a plane for 10+ hours thing) but the thought would be nice.

So I'm quiet in the cab. He can tell I'm thinking about stuff. He moves his bag, sits close to me. Hand on my leg, gently stroking it, but neither of us are talking.

He's pretty sure about staying in Chicago - which is great news if it happens. He's going to Japan for a month - which while it would suck for him to be gone during summer - its not the end of the world. But I'm quiet and just staring at the lake as it passes by. He made all these big decisions without me. Am I even a factor in his life?

We get to the train station and meet CCW, then all get on board to go out to the ex-burbs for a BBQ at a fmr coworkers home. One of our current coworkers will be there - and ACW is perfectly fine outing us in front of him.

Train ride is fine. BBQ is fine. Had a good time. Nice party. Small. Fun. Our host drives us back to the train station and once were there I guess I started to act stupid. I don't know where it came from. I think I was still miffed about this Japan thing. Started to be like "so while you're gone I guess I'm on my own... would you care if I did anything w/anyone else". Stupid stuff like that. Trying to get some kind of reaction out of him. I don't know why - its a piss poor way to see if someone cares. I know better - but every once in a while stupidity takes over.

He says of course it would bother him and drops it. He gets quiet and he's quiet the whole ride back. Well we all are - drunk and tired. We part ways w/CCW at the train station and walk to the el. He's quiet the whole way. Quiet on the train. Quiet on the walk back to my place. Neither of us are talking. I'm thinking in my head - why am I putting up with this - he's clearly not into me. He doesn't act the way I want. Why bother.

It's one thing to say those things in your head - and its quite another to hear them said back to you 10 min later.

We get back to my place and he gathers his things. "You're going home?" He nods. "Why?" "I just don't want to stay here tonite, I want to go home." "Why?" He says he doesn't want to get into it right now. We'll talk tomorrow. I ask him to tell me now if its causing him not to stay.

I had flashbacks of talking to The Crazy Ex.

ACW takes a deep breath.

Says he doesn't think we're working out. That he doesn't think I'm happy with him and he doesn't like how he feels knowing that. Says it seems like I'm disappointed with him. That it seems like I want something....more than he can or will give me. That I don't like how he dresses, his hair, his weight. That no matter how good of a time we may be having, there always is a time where he feels like I'm unhappy, wanting more. He's felt like this for the past month or so and he doesnt like feeling this way anymore. He doesn't think this is working he asks me if I think its working?

Wow.

I digest all this and think a bit. Yeah I guess I have been unhappy. How can I be happy when I have a time limit on my relationship. How can I be happy when I'm holding back b/c someone is supposed to be exiting my life in a few months.

And I've been unhappy in other ways too. I have wanted more. I want someone who wants to be with me all the time. Where I'm the focus of their life. Where its all about me. I want what I had with The Crazy Ex. B/C thats how it was. We were inseperable. He was totally 100% focused on me.

But over the last few weeks I've been critically thinking about all of that. I was so happy then b/c I was getting everything I wanted. It was all about me - all the time. I always got what I wanted without even knowing it. I ceased to exist b/c we were a "we". Not the healthiest thing in hindsight. It ended up causing problems later on - and again in hindsight - I tend to wonder if that was just TCE's m.o. He did it before me, and seeing how quickly he jumped into a marriage after me - it'd be safe to say he did it with that relationship too.

I'm digressing. I'm also making this about TCE when its not. I've been doing a lot of thinking about me too. And why I seem to want "all" of a person. Sure there's a happy medium - but I seem to be all or nothing. Being completely absorbed in someone elses life might work when you're in your 20's - but I don't think its possible as you get older. I don't think those all consuming relationships can happen anymore - not that they are all that healthy.

But thats another post for another time.

So he's right - I have been unhappy. But I've been unhappy b/c I havent been being myself. Acting the way I want. B/C I figured what was the point if he was leaving anyway. I've been unhappy b/c I've wondered why I'm wasting time and effort thinking about someone who was leaving me in a few months. I've been unhappy b/c I met someone I liked and who liked me back and he was leaving. I've been unhappy b/c of he telling me he was holding back and I wanted to know that person. His moving has been a cloud over everything even when things are great - it was just there.

I mentioned some of this, but not all of it. We talked more...in circles. Essentially us saying the same things in different ways.

I told him I don't care about his hair, his clothes, whatever. I like him for who he is and if I make a random comment - its just that. I said that I may not always agree with him. I may want something he doesnt. We're going to have differences - but just b/c we dont agree 100% all the time doesnt mean we should stop seeing each other.

I asked if he wass no longer interested in me? Attracted to me? He said he was still interested in me and attracted to me. I asked if he didnt want to spend time together anymore. He said he enjoys spending time with me.

I told him he was using all of this as an excuse, to push me away. Making it about me being unhappy b/c hes the one who wants to end it. He said that wasn't true. He wasn't trying to push me away. He is telling me how he feels.

I asked him if he wanted us to stop seeing each other. He said no. Then when asked again a little later he didn't know. He needed to think about it. He doesn't want to stop seeing each other but he doesn't want things to continue how they are going now. Thinks maybe we should take some time to think about things.

I kinda got mad. Why did he get to decide? So I just need to stress out until he makes up his mind? Told him to stop thinking and start feeling. How does he feel. How does he feel about me.

He likes me. He cares about me. He wants to be with me. But he doesnt like feeling how he has been. I said I didn't like feeling like I had been either. That I feel like he could care less about me. That I'm a low priority. That I'm his last choice. He said that wasn't true.

More talking in circles. In the parking lot. Under the train. I was crying a little here and there but I held it together and was calm. He was on his bike and I could tell he wanted to go. I wanted to see him today. We had earlier agreed to go to the book fair downtown. Earlier in the conversation he said he didn't think we should see each other today. We should spend some time apart. Later in the conversation he said he wanted to go to the book fair. He will call me and we'll go and talk more.

Maybe not. It's noon and he hasnt called yet. He usually calls by 11. I'm not going to call him. He said he would call - and he usually is good about following through. If I call him and he doesnt pick up - I'll get frustrated.

Maybe its good to not see each other today...or for a while. Cool down. Get some distance. I'm not good at distance - but maybe I should try.

I don't know how I feel. I'm crying and sad. I'm upset. But I'm mad and frustrated. I want it to work but just wonder if its worth it. I'm jaded from the past.

I admit I've thought about ending it. But that was when I figured he was moving. Now that he's not - does that change things? Do I want him - or do I just want somebody? Am I reluctant to give up b/c I don't want to be single again? I was alone for so long and it really started to bother me. I don't want to be alone again and part of me feels like I'm willing to accept less than what I want just to not be alone. Not something a strong, self assured woman shoud say.

But sometimes I think what I want just isnt realistic anymore. All consuming love. I don't even know when I started to want it. I guess I just had it before - for better or worse - and it seems like I should have it again. But the older I get, and the older other people get - I just dont think its possible anymore if it ever was. Perhaps its better just to accept that the older you get, the less you will truly be part of someones life. Esp when dealing w/men.

What do I want though? I know part of me wants what I had with TCE - even though I know that wasn't healthy. I want someone to be ALL about me. I think thats why I loved those first few weeks with ACW so much - b/c he was ALL about me. Me me me. But the rational part of me knows it shouldnt be like that. The rational part of me knows that for relationships to succeed each person needs their own identity. That its give and take. The few good relationships I know of - each individual has a healthy sense of self.

Maybe thats why I want it to be all about me - b/c I'm not enough for myself. I need someone else to help fill me up. I don't know. I feel like I should be fine on my own and that having someone in my life should just add to it - not be all of it.

But I can think about all of these things about me till I'm blue in the face. It doesn't change if he isnt that into me - that its not gonna work. It doesnt change if one of us isnt happy, it isnt gonna work.

(sigh)

I don't feel good right now thats for sure. No one likes to be told that someone isnt sure if they want to keep seeing them. No one likes to be told that someone isn't happy being in a relationship with them.

I feel defeated.

I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Why is it so hard? Why does it just not happen for so many of us? Why do I know so many amazing women who are perpetually single and so many idiot asshole guys who are with someone?

I said I wasnt going to think about this all day - but I guess I will be. I'm gonna curl up and watch bad television all day. I'm flanked by the kids. Cry a little. Be pissed a little. Wonder why shit just doesnt work out for me a little.

I wonder when we will talk again. I wonder if that conversation will end positively or just end everything. I'm fearful if too much time passes its just easier for him to walk away. But I also know from dealing w/TCE - contacting him right now isnt going to help. I cant control anything right now so I'm just going to do nothing.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. A friend to come over and just sit here and try to make me feel better. Have some wine. Try and laugh. Someone who wanted to help me through this - no matter what happened. You know - like how friends supposedly act in the movies and on TV. I txt'd Indigo Girl and told her. She replied shes sorry. But her and her g/f are busy today. I got no one else. Maybe its for the best since all I'm doing is crying in between being mad.

(sigh)

Well it's 4pm and no call. I'm mad/upset but its also probably for the best. I'm probably too upset to talk right now. It bugs me that he probably hasnt thought about this all day - and its all I'm doing. But I guess thats how I'm built.

I feel incredibly lonely. I want someone to come over and hang out and just listen to me rant and rave. I don't feel like sitting here all by myself. But I don't want to go out. I'm not up for it.

I've been crying but its not always b/c of being sad or stuff like that. It's frustration. It's anger. It's "why me". Its lonlieness. It's fear.

I wish I wouldnt have acted stupid at the train station - but these feelings he had would have come out eventually. At some other time. Sometimes I think hes too sensitive - he acts like nothing bothers him -then he throws all this stuff at me that I had no idea even registered with him. It could also just be an excuse to push me away. Make it like I'm the bad one, the unhappy one.

I've thought about sending him an email or a txt, but I'm hesitant to. Maybe a day or two of no contact will calm the situation. Clear heads. My nature would be to reach out in some way - but maybe its time to start going against my nature. I feel like I dammed if I do - dammed if I don't. If I do contact him, it'll be too soon, I'm putting too much pressure on him, its "too much". But if I don't then I give the impression I dont care. Outta sight, outta mind. Or that I don't care if he stays or goes.

I'm sure the general impression out there in blog land is that this relationship hasnt been worth all the blogging I've done about it. Maybe it hasn't. But now that hes not moving - I kinda want to start over. Without the cloud of moving hanging over our heads. Without thinking "eh why put in effort I'm/he's leaving anyway". I want to start fresh. Guess we'll see if its possible.

Last Day

It's the last day at my contract job. The 3-week gig I started 7 months ago is finally over.

WOOT

I'm happy to be done with this project and done working in general. I need a break. And while I'm slightly more unnerved by the thought of not having regular income for the next month or so than I was last time - I'm validated that I can do this by the regular emails and calls I get from recruiters for open gigs. If I want a job - its out there. It's just if I want it or not.

The contract wasn't all bad. I made great money for 7 months. Banked a lot of it - which is paying for my current vacation. Made a new friend or two. Met my b/f. Got ABM a contract out of it. Padded the resume. No...not all bad.

I kinda wonder how me not working here any more will impact my relationship w/ACW. Will it help or hinder it. At least now we will have different answers to the "what did you do today" question. Maybe the lack of daily contact will simply accellerate the breakup we all know will be taking place later on this summer. He still hasn't given notice here yet. But I would expect that to change now that our project is done. Then again who knows. At times he seems as wishy washy about his life as I do about my own. At lunch yesterday a co-worker asked him if he was staying in his apartment for another year (we were all talking real estate) and he said he wasn't sure yet. This was only b/c he hasn't given notice, nor made his inevitable move back home public yet to anyone other than me or CCW.

Hmm CCW :-) He mentioned at my birthday dinner that he was kinda getting tired/bored of his dirty hot young g/f. Hmmm...maybe I smell an opportunity here. He's still so nice and sweet. At my birthday dinner he sat next to me and we chatted the whole nite. (granted...he couldnt stop talking if his life depended on it...so its not me) Dirty hot g/f wasn't there so I took the opportunity to flirt a little. Maybe once ACW leaves....

So I'm done working again. It's a good feeling.

10 Years

Sunday was the 10 year anniv of me moving to Chicago. In some ways I can't believe I've been here this long, but in others I feel like I've been here a lifetime. I never expected to be here this long, yet when I moved here I felt like this was a city that I could call "home".

1999 seems so long ago. Well..I guess it was. An entirely other decade...century...millenia. I was 10 years younger, still in my 20's. I was moving here to start a job in an industry that was in its infancy. The "internet" - is that really going to work out? Now I can't imagine a day passing where I haven't checked some sort of web site, from some sort of device.

I made the decision to move here rather quickly. In 2 weeks I went from living in Atlanta to living here. Try and do that now. I suppose I had already committed to leaving Atlanta, given I was searching for jobs in other cities. But I didn't expect it to happen as fast as it did. But in that time I packed up all my shit, organized a move and found a new apartment here, sight unseen.

Amazing what you can do when you're movtivated.

People asked me a lot back then if I was scared about moving to a city where I didn't know anyone. I wasn't - not at all. I looked at it as a great opportunity to get my life out of the rut it was in. Everyone I was friends with in Atlanta was pairing up and getting all domestic - or they were moving too. Princess, KT and others were also making their own plans to leave the southern mecca.

It was time to move on.

I settled in quickly. Got acclimated to my surroundings. My roommate was cool and took me out w/her but I was also completely ok with spending a lot of time by myself and learning about my new city. I made friends at work - there were only 7 of us and we were all the same age so it was natural.

Some things were hard to get used to here. Parking on the street. Parrallel parking. Not parking right in front of my dwelling. Parking several blocks away from my dwelling. Going days without seeing my car. Deciding what I'm doing that day based on how good of a parking spot I had. Hailing a cab. Hauling groceries up 3 flights of stairs. Learning how to carry up as much as possible in one trip. Rent being half a paycheck. Paying more for just about...everything.

I was excited about my new job, my new company, my new industry. I was like a sponge - sucking up as much information as I could. I was excited to be at work. I went in on the weekends to catch up and get ahead. I stayed late b/c... we all stayed late. We went to dinner together. We played sports to gether. We were a team.

It was the last time I felt like that at work.

Within 2 months of moving here I met the man who would shape every experience I would have for the next 5 years. Had I not gone to that party....had I stayed home and stained the Ikea nightstand like I planned on...had I not walked out to the backyard b/c it was stifling hot inside...my life here would have been drastically different. But we met, hit it off famously, within 2 months we were inseperable.

And so went the first 5 years of my life here.

Despite all that eventually happened with that relationship and how things turned out, I don't regret ever meeting him. While the bad was awful, it was good for a lot longer than it wasnt. If it wasn't as good as it was, it wouldn't have hurt as much as it did.

The ride is worth the fall.

The first half of my life here came to a close and the second half started memorial day weekend 5 years ago. The life without that man. The life without that job. The life without those friends. It was completely starting over - like I did 5 years prior - but in the same location.

It was a much harder adjustment this time around.

I eventually made new friends. Found new work. Re-built my life. But nothing ever seemed "right" again. I probably should have moved on. All the signs were there - just like they were each time before - but I was stuck. Sure there were more logistical considerations now - can't just end your lease and hit the road when you own. But people sell their homes and move every day. I felt trapped, locked in place against my will, but at the same time I didn't want to go anywhere.

I had nowhere to go.

So here I sit...10 years later. I don't feel like a native though...this city is too big and there are so many parts of it I havent seen yet (but...really don't want/need to). I've been lotsa places and know enough. More than many. I call it "home" now - except when I fall into some type of conversation where "back home" means where I grew up.

I still think of moving often. Still don't know where I'd want to go though. I used to think it would be a bigger city like New York, or an older city like Boston. But I don't know anymore. Moving somewhere more expensive and crowded, where I'm paying more for less space doesn't make as much sense as it used to. Glad I didn't think like that 10 years ago.

Maybe this type of thinking is a sign of getting old.

I need to think about where I'm going next...if I'm going anywhere. I feel like I'm a shark - need to keep moving. But to what end? What do I accomplish by hopping around? But I know I don't want to be here in 10 more years with this gnawing feeling in my stomach.